I was smote with conviction this morning as I churned recent thoughts, conversations and Scriptures over in my mind. No coherent line of thinking just convoluted snapshots rolling over my consciousness.
My role as a wife
A conversation overheard
A prayer for a friend battling pornography
The benefits of veneers
A devotional time we shared as a band
The sinful skill of manipulation
The definition of a fool
Proposition 4
Is Dave coming home for lunch today?
The mother who drove 500 miles to leave her 13 year old son at a hospital in Nebraska
Psalm 1
I am wicked
No. I am deep-down wicked! I look good on the outside. I do good things. No, that’s not accurate. I don’t do really bad things.
I remembered a quote by Charles Spurgeon. “Perhaps some of you can claim a sort of negative purity, because you do not walk in the way of the ungodly; but let me ask you—Is your delight in the law of God? Do you study God’s Word? Do you make it the man of your right hand—your best companion and hourly guide? If not, the blessings of Psalm 1 do not belong to you.”
I so often lie to myself.
I look at my neighbors who party all hours, fight, yell and cuss, spend most of their time in a drunken stupor, lose their jobs and spouses.
I know they are sinful. I’m not like that.
I remember “that guy” from my college that went on to seminary. Married. Became a pastor. Had a lovely home and four children. His wife was pregnant with their fifth child when he was hauled away in handcuffs to spend 10-15 years in prison. His secret sins (pornography) led to sex with minors in his youth group. The destruction of multiple families, the devastation of a church body, and the devaluing Christ in the eyes of the community were just a few of the aftershocks.
Now that’s sin, I tell myself. I’m not like that.
Then Truth pierces through the lie.
Jesus said, “Unless my righteousness EXCEEDS that of the scribes and Pharisees, I will by no means enter the kingdom of heaven.”
BY NO MEANS?
Jesus said, “Whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment. Whoever says, “You fool!” shall be in danger of hell fire.”
Jesus says, “Whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
Jesus said, “Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.”
The truth is, I am a murderer and an adulterer. I am guilty of hell fire. I am no different than the child-rapist sitting in prison. I am wicked and worthy of death, and just because other people cannot see that doesn’t change the fact.
I would be consumed by the fire of justice and the smoke of my guilt were it not for the grace of God, giving His Son Jesus to pay the price for my sins. I would be a ‘dead man walking” were it not for His rescuing me from hell, resuscitating me from death, and adopting me into His eternal and glorious kingdom family.
Lwanj pou Jezi!
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Decisions! Decisions!
This is in response to Jack’s blog regarding his most important decisions, and asking others to share theirs with him. I’ve given it a lot of thought and written my response about 15 times (some in my head). Every time, my answers are completely different. Like various forks in a path cause you to end up at various locations, so every step in my life (and everyone else’s) is laden with decisions that have trickle-down effects, too numerous to recall. These decisions definitively color, shade and contour my life in the way that makes it unique to me. So, here are three.
Decision #1 – Going to Master’s College. Although my reasons were riddled with selfish desires and sinful motives, and I had not submitted my life to the King, this was a huge turning point in my life. God used my time at Masters to get my attention, refine me and turn my heart towards Him. He exposed my sin, humbled me, birthed in me a desire to know Him more and follow Him. At Master’s I met my husband, and God united us to a life of service for His purposes.
Decision #2 - Turning off of the path to a recording contract. At that time in my life I was “pursuing my dream”. Famous vocal coach and mentor. Surrounded by contacts and friends in the business. “Guaranteed” a contract within a year. But God had been slowly and gently convicting me of my selfishness. I had a husband and a little boy who needed me. I can point to this decision as the moment that God began to really teach me that I am not my own! Not only was I bought with a price, the blood of Jesus, and belonged to God; but also, God had created me specifically to be my husband's help meet. The ramifications of this truth are wide and deep. Years later I have only begun to scratch the surface of this profound truth. A truth that is, not only contrary to our nature, but so vehemently denied by the world.
Decision #3 – Homeschooling our children. This was definitely not my idea. But again, the lessons I learned (and am still learning) from decision #2 taught me that to help my husband was my God-given responsibility and this is what my husband wanted. Over the years I have wanted to manipulate my husband into changing his “desire” (Yes, it is possible for any woman to do this, men; do not be naive.) or his understanding of what God wanted for our family. But the Spirit-thank God-always hindered me! This part of the journey is far from over, but God is using homeschooling to reveal a plethora of sinful thoughts, motives and actions in my heart. He keeps me in this pressure-cooker to refine me, teach me patience, and perseverance. I have not only been blessed with difficult lessons, but also many joys and victories. It is so amazing to me that God can expose my pride and grow in me humility at the same time, but He has and He continues to do so.
Disclaimer #1 -You may wonder why my salvation is not listed. That is simply because I had nothing to do with it. I have resisted the God of the universe in every possible way. I have ignored Him, ran from Him, denied Him, forsook Him, hated Him and tried to trick Him, steal from Him, masquerade as one of His, and deceive Him. Yet He loved me, pursued me, forgave me, provided for me, protected me, led me, drew me, restored me, and revealed Himself to me. From my perspective, my salvation was not my decision to accept His free gift, but His decision to offer it. He loved me such as I was. And oh, that makes Him all the more lovely to me!
Disclaimer #2 – There are so many bad decisions I could list that altered the color/quality of my life, and thought they are many and they are vile, even the scars and consequences are precious in the light of God’s great grace and mercy.
Decision #1 – Going to Master’s College. Although my reasons were riddled with selfish desires and sinful motives, and I had not submitted my life to the King, this was a huge turning point in my life. God used my time at Masters to get my attention, refine me and turn my heart towards Him. He exposed my sin, humbled me, birthed in me a desire to know Him more and follow Him. At Master’s I met my husband, and God united us to a life of service for His purposes.
Decision #2 - Turning off of the path to a recording contract. At that time in my life I was “pursuing my dream”. Famous vocal coach and mentor. Surrounded by contacts and friends in the business. “Guaranteed” a contract within a year. But God had been slowly and gently convicting me of my selfishness. I had a husband and a little boy who needed me. I can point to this decision as the moment that God began to really teach me that I am not my own! Not only was I bought with a price, the blood of Jesus, and belonged to God; but also, God had created me specifically to be my husband's help meet. The ramifications of this truth are wide and deep. Years later I have only begun to scratch the surface of this profound truth. A truth that is, not only contrary to our nature, but so vehemently denied by the world.
Decision #3 – Homeschooling our children. This was definitely not my idea. But again, the lessons I learned (and am still learning) from decision #2 taught me that to help my husband was my God-given responsibility and this is what my husband wanted. Over the years I have wanted to manipulate my husband into changing his “desire” (Yes, it is possible for any woman to do this, men; do not be naive.) or his understanding of what God wanted for our family. But the Spirit-thank God-always hindered me! This part of the journey is far from over, but God is using homeschooling to reveal a plethora of sinful thoughts, motives and actions in my heart. He keeps me in this pressure-cooker to refine me, teach me patience, and perseverance. I have not only been blessed with difficult lessons, but also many joys and victories. It is so amazing to me that God can expose my pride and grow in me humility at the same time, but He has and He continues to do so.
Disclaimer #1 -You may wonder why my salvation is not listed. That is simply because I had nothing to do with it. I have resisted the God of the universe in every possible way. I have ignored Him, ran from Him, denied Him, forsook Him, hated Him and tried to trick Him, steal from Him, masquerade as one of His, and deceive Him. Yet He loved me, pursued me, forgave me, provided for me, protected me, led me, drew me, restored me, and revealed Himself to me. From my perspective, my salvation was not my decision to accept His free gift, but His decision to offer it. He loved me such as I was. And oh, that makes Him all the more lovely to me!
Disclaimer #2 – There are so many bad decisions I could list that altered the color/quality of my life, and thought they are many and they are vile, even the scars and consequences are precious in the light of God’s great grace and mercy.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Melancholy Morning
This morning I was reminiscing some of my favorite times with Zach; a little melancholic nostalgia. Watching him play soccer- he is incredibly fast. He pulls off adroit moves with graceful ease. Having him call me into his room to hear a new song he wrote. The little sparkle in his eye when he asks me what I think of so-and-so. Asking me to scratch his back while he tells me his latest idea. Watching him plan out his day when he feels really rushed, but determined to finish everything. The day he built Hawaii in our backyard.
The other day I was talking to Zach at school and he was telling me how tired he was. When I asked him why, he told me that he and a few other friends were up until 2am encouraging and admonishing a brother who was struggling. He told me a bit of the struggle and some of the wisdom he and his friends were giving to the one in need. I was so encouraged to hear how he was turning to God's Word as The final authority and the only Absolute to life's quandaries. I was also touched by his deep love and concern for his fellow brother.
I am so proud of him! Not proud of what he has become, not proud of my parenting skills-they are sorely lacking. But proud of what God is creating in him, I am proud of the fact that his life is reflecting the love and sincerity of Christ. Zach is humbling himself before God, and God is giving him grace upon grace. My heart swells with the pride of realized hope and prayers, crescendoing in a cacophony of thankfulness to a most gracious and faithful God!
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