FOR ANN:

I am setting down on paper, this account, because my dear friend Ann Harter asked me to. I shared this with the ladies in my bible study, and she, wanted to share it with her three daughters, but she couldn’t get through it “without bawling”. So here it is.

My sisters and I had come home to visit from being spread out all over the country. My faithful parents raised eight of their nine children in the house that my father built. What a blessed heritage we have. Raised by a godly husband and wife, who diligently lived out and taught us to love God and His Word! We all cherished these times when we could scrape up enough money, clear our busy schedules to return home and reconnect with our family.

The girls were sitting with mom and reflecting on life. The subject of our brother Kyle came up. He died of SIDS on his two-month birthday. We were asking mom questions about things that as a child, we didn’t think about, but now as grown women, and some of us entering parenthood, we wanted to know.

I don’t remember all the questions and answers, but one of mom’s answers was this.

“I never prayed for a healthy baby. And I will never pray for any of you to have healthy babies either. With every one of you kids, with every pregnancy I prayed one prayer consistently.
‘Lord, give me the child you have planned for me to raise. Teach me to love this child, and to teach them to love You. Please Lord, bring salvation this child. Use this child for Your glory. If this child will not love and follow You, Lord, then please take this child home to heaven before they can choose to walk away from you.’”

We were all stunned. She continued.

“All I ever wanted to be growing up was a mommy. I know that sounds silly. And I did like other things. Catching snakes, climbing trees, playing accordion, art, etc. But I loved babies! And there was nothing I desired more than to get married and have one of my very own to love and take care of.

When I was just a young girl (maybe 10 or 11) I went to an old-time revival meeting. I happened to be sitting behind a new mother with a tiny new baby, all swaddled up. I could not really concentrate on the message, because I couldn’t tear my eyes off of this new mother and her child. She was so radiant! The love that she had for her little one was manifest in every move she made. Her attentiveness, her care, her anticipation of every need and comfort of that baby, was so overwhelming and awe-inspiring to me! I spent the whole meeting watching her and the baby. Towards the end of the meeting, she put the little one over her shoulder, and eventually the baby turned its head my direction. I had been waiting the whole night to get a glimpse of this baby, so adored by this loving, gentle mother!

When I saw the face of the child, I drew in a sharp breath. Shocked. This little baby was grotesque. He had a severe clef pallet, completely disfiguring his tiny face. I sat stunned. My eyes reverted to the mother. This was no new revelation to her. Her loving countenance never changed. Her gentle hands continued to caress the baby. She shifted the child, kissed his face, and protectively cradled him in her arms.

Sitting there, enveloped in God’s Word, some truths became crystal clear to me. (And years later, God used this experience to teach me even more.) God loves me with a love far greater than this mother’s love, an eternal and perfect love. I am sinful. My sin is a distortion of God’s creation, of His image. I must look grotesque to Him sometimes. But He never shirks away from me. He planned to give that baby to that mother! He has given that mother exactly what she needs to love and care for that baby. He’s still creating something in her. His tool is that child. He is molding and protecting that child through that mother. He is revealing Himself to that little one through the love of a mother.

I prayed then; “God, if you choose to give me a child that is not perfect, I will count that as a privilege, because You will give me what I need to love and care for it. I will not demand that you do things my way. I won’t pretend to know better that You.”

God never gave me a special needs child. But with every pregnancy I prayed the same prayer. I am always deeply offended when I hear someone say, “Oh, we don’t care what it is, just as long as it is healthy!” What are they really saying, “God, don’t mess up on this one”? Is a special needs child a mess up? Or perhaps they are saying, “This is what I require to make me happy God. I know better than You.” Are physical appearance and mental health more important than God’s purposes?

What comforted me after Kyle died was the simple fact that God is The Most High God. I knew that Kyle was in heaven, and, I believe, it was God honoring the prayers of a faithful mother. If Kyle had lived, perhaps he would have chosen to turn his back forever on God.

There is something worse than death, and it is certainly not temporal/physical imperfections.”