Pitas, electrical schematics, rubber gloves, and race cars

I am standing at my kitchen island eating a veggie pita. In front of me is the kitchen table and the french doors beyond. It is a windy, crisp afternoon. The sun is shining, but its effects are sucked away by the wind. Crunching and staring out the door I am watching my husband. He is sitting outside at the picnic table on the patio, facing me. He is laboring over an electrical schematic of the garage. This is what he does best-planning, envisioning. His brow is furrowed in concentration. He is holding his pencil in that funny way four year olds do, resting between his index and middle fingers. On school children it looks awkward, but on this 6’4” hulk of a man, it looks...manly.

He gets up. Carefully placing weights on his paper, daring the wind to abscond it, and walks back to the garage. My thoughts are circling over a fact. Half of me is an analytical theorist, the other half is a spontaneous artist. At this moment I realize that I spend a lot of time observing, hypothesizing, and testing my theories on other people not too close to my life. I am like a scientist, at a safe distance - shielded with goggles and gloves- from any possible contaminates. My latest occupation has been field researcher in the area of marriages-other peoples’ of course.

My husband returns to the table. Once again bent over his drawing. You can be certain every detail is accurate. He is good at it. I know what he is thinking this very second and I smile. The slight curling up of his lips is the tell. He hates the wind. It is his longest nemesis.

My thoughts land on the fact. I should spend my time testing, observing, and working at my marriage the same way I do with others. This is such a simple thought. Such an elementary bedrock of life it is ludicrous to think a person would miss this. But I know they do. I have counseled enough to know that fact well. And here am I. Looking at my opposite and other half realizing that most of the time I only look at half of myself in the mirror. Like that guy in the movie Lady in the Water, who only worked out half of his body.

I am finished my pita. The feeling in the pit of my stomach is not my food. Lord forgive me. I am so selfish. I know what to do and how to be and what to strive for. Please, please, teach me to DO it!! I don’t want to be a research scientist; I want to be a test driver! Give me tunnel vision. Teach me how to focus on my husband and my marriage. Make it be my joy to cherish him. To know him so intimately, and anticipate his every need and desire. Amen.

People Watching

Even though my dad is the pastor in the family, my mom is the passionate one. She used to say she preached her best “sermons” to the dishes. I guess I have inherited that passion to see the Word of God honored in the lives of believers. So this is one of the “sermons” I preach to my dishes. Actually it is really a sermon to myself, as it seems I am in constant need of hearing it!

I watch husbands. People-watching in general is a great love of mine, but specifically, I love to watch husbands. There is nothing more precious than watching a husband who adores his wife; a husband who walks proud and tall, bolstered by the confidence of a trustworthy and supportive wife. But all too often what I see is a husband who is only a shadow of the man he was created to be. I see a husband who has relinquished his role as leader, in order to walk the path of least resistance. More often than not I see a husband with no joy in his eyes, no swagger in his walk, and no confidence in his wife. Every time I witness the emasculating of a husband by an overbearing or controlling wife my heart aches. It is on of the saddest things to behold. It is what I suppose it would be like to watch a frog slowly die in a pot of boiling water.

I first became aware of this all-too-common phenomenon as a newly married woman. My parents were visiting and we had another couple over for dinner. The couple was new in town and looking for a church home. They had visited several churches in the area and were asking my dad for advise. The wife was chronicling their experiences something like this:
“First we tried out church A. Tom liked it, but I didn’t like the fact that they met in a school. Then we tried church B, but I thought the preacher was weak on theology. Then we tried church C. Tom thought it was nice, but I thought the pastor was way too emotional. There are so many churches in the area, but not any really solid ones. So what do you think, Pastor?” she asked my dad.

My dad just smiled and nodded his head. Awkward! I called my dad into the kitchen under the pretext of helping to bring out coffee, and I asked him why he was so rude in not answering my friend. I will never forget his answer. He said, “Kari, if she won’t listen to her own husband, why in the world should she listen to me!”
Thus, the reality of controlling women and emasculated men began to come into focus for me that day.

Marriage is hard! Not only do we contend with our own sinful flesh, but we also have an adversary who delights in tearing down what God has ordained-the divine institution of marriage. Marriage is a picture of Christ and His bride, the church, to a fallen world. On top of this we have the curse of the fall, which has distorted our God-ordained roles in marriage. Sin has short-circuited the way we were wired by God to operate. As wives we were created for the sole purpose of being a help meet to our husbands. Men were created to lead, to have dominion over creation.

My hobby of people watching is more often than not, like watching a train wreck. You don’t want to look, but you can’t take your eyes off of the gruesome sight. But every once in a while I find that rare husband who walks with his head held high; unapologetically forthright, a leader who strikes out ahead fully confident that his troops are following close behind-not looking back in doubt. Behind that man is a woman who is confident in her role as supporter, encourager, and follower. A wife who does not try to change her man, but realizes that in following her man, she is following her Maker. I love it when I spot that!! I love it when I am that.

Sucker Punches

Have you ever been sucker-punched by the Holy Spirit? Today, I received another one of those “blows”. I was in the middle of praying for my kids, asking God to overwhelm them and consume their hearts and lives. I was on the verge of asking God to use them in incredible ways for His kingdom, when I felt it. You know, the feeling when you’re cruising along in a car and the driver slams on the brakes. Yep, I felt it. That quiet, unsettling question; “Why incredible ways?”

I wanted my kids to do great things for God. To have amazing, heroic, world-changer lives. I have raised them for that. But...why?

Is it pride? Is it legacy? What was my motive in this request on behalf of my kids? I know one thing for sure. My motives were not purely for the purpose of God being highly exalted. It was my kids being highly exalted, and lets face it-me.

So how do I pray for my kids, besides the obvious? It’s a hard prayer for me! Really. I pray that God would make them small. Make them microscopically small. I pray that they would be weak, empty, and small. It almost seems unloving. It is definitely unnatural.

Truth be told, it is what I desire for myself, but my flesh is constantly at war with this attitude. The desire to be the best bible study leader, the best mother, the best wife, the best Greek student, the best.....all for the glory of God (I tell myself). But strip down the rhetoric and that attitude is pride. Why do I not strive to be insignificant so Christ can be seen more clearly?

The Valentine for every other day of the year

This morning I was preparing for my bible study and read these words by Beth Moore.

"Never forget how much He loves you and how zealously He pursues your company."

I was brought to tears. For those of you who know my reputation...yes, tears.
The fact that God loves me is usually just that. A dry fact floating around with all of the other facts in my brain. 3 x 7 = 21. AU is Gold. A verb is an action word. God loves me. 1682 - Peter the Great is Tzar of Russia...But this morning it came ALIVE for me! I realized that God gave me my husband Dave to poignantly illustrate this astounding truth for me every day.

I have a really hard time believing anyone would/could love me more than tolerantly. I know my faults. I know my history. Yet the Holy Spirit confirms and validates the words of Beth Moore. My spirit screams out, "Yes! It's true. She's right!! She is, after all, echoing the Word of God."

Some would say my husband is demanding. He isn't. He is jealous though. Extremely jealous. There is no doubt that he loves me and considers me his most precious treasure, his best friend, and closest confidant. He is loyal to the endth degree.

In my selfishness and my stubbornness, I get irritated with his desire to be with me ALL THE TIME!
But when I see my husband's love for me as a picture or shadow of Christ's love for me, I am utterly humbled.

I know that loving me is sometimes like curling up with a porcupine, and I am ashamed of my unloveliness. What a sweet gift God gave me this morning! What a valuable treasure God has given me in my husband. What an absolutely scandalous love He has for me!! He zealously pursues my company...Wow.

Whirling Dervish

Oh Father, I confess to You that after all these years of marriage, I don't know how to be a help meet. I catch glimpses and visions of it, but in the morning, I can't remember what it really looks like, tastes like, feels like, sounds like. What, at times is crystal clear, gets lost in the fog of life. After years of teaching and counseling and talking about how to be a godly wife, I stand before you with an overwhelming sense that You are shaking Your head and saying, "Child, you still don't get it do you?"

I feel like a whirling dervish
spinning in circles with arms outstretched and flailing
grasping at anything shiny and bright.
Stop me Lord!
Teach me stillness
Content me in Your presence
Fill my heart with Your radiance
Make me invisible
Shine through me Lord
Make me what he needs
Help me to help him be what You've created him to be.

Upposing thumbs

I had a great celebratory ringing in of the new year! Don't worry, I still think it is highly overrated, but being with friends, laughing, talking, eating, playing games, and enjoying one another is prime.

I had the opportunity at one point in the evening to have a conversation with two friends who very respectfully and humbly held opposing viewpoints (more doctrinal, but some theological). As we discussed the finer points of paedobaptism and credobaptism, Calvinism and Armenianism, sacraments, covenant theology, and women's roles in the church, I was stimulated.

But as these conversations resonated in my mind over the next few days, I was profoundly impressed with one thing. The love and high regard with which the two gentleman with opposing viewpoints related to each other and to me, is carved indelibly on my mind. There was humility, yet strong passion and conviction. There was respect and harmony, yet not agreement. There was joking and banter without any condescension or hurtfulness. There was wrestling and challenging, but not to win, or be right, but to learn and be sure of your conviction. There was no emulsification of ideas, on compromise to make everyone a winner. But there was grace and goodness toward one another.

I tried to imagine what it would be like if every believer related to eachother in this way. I tried to imagine a world where believers are known by their humility and kindness while being firm and unwavering in their convictions. How attractive this world would be to the lost!